How do you know you are in an abusive relationship?

By: Evan Sahraeian

   Due to the human need for connection in this world sometimes just for the sake of not being alone, we make mistakes that change our way of life forever, some people are not able to identify the type of relationship they are in or are simply afraid to admit it to themselves, otherwise, deep down we know there is something wrong here and when we come to a point to search for those signs we were/are probably in a bad situation, the worst part is that we might think it is our fault.

Here are some of the most common signs of an abuser not just mentally but physical ones too.

How it starts:

• charming 

Usually, those men are very charming at the start, they give you feeling that makes you feel you are the only woman on earth, and say all the things that are right for you, then comes the best compliments that you have ever heard in your life, that will make all the right things to keep them the same way, but this is just a build-up to take all your focus form all the important parts of your life. This brings us to the second part.

• Isolation :

With the compliments and making you the center of his world then come the isolation part, giving the feeling that you don�t need anyone, having each other is enough to be happy, he will be planting ideas in your head that no one around you wants you to be happy, family/friends are always planing to come between you two, it is best to leave everyone, at this point to save your relationship/marriage you might see it, as the right decision, I have to mention this part will be only for you, otherwise, for himself, he will never cut his relations for you, he still has his circle outside of the home completely different world than what he shows you. By doing so he will be the center of your world all the information you get is through him, and you not having any other source to compare to, how would you know he is telling the truth or lying to your face? Now that he started controlling and showing his true face come soon.

• Destroying your self-esteem:

Slowly and in-directly he starts to belittle you, it will start as innocent comments about the color of your eyes, some girl on Television, he will say it in a way you will not be able to answer because you are not sure if it is just an innocent comment or it is directed to you, it might stay in your thoughts and wish you had that shape of boy or that color of skin. when you start doubting yourself, his job is done because you will give him the power he needed, sometimes you might even change yourself to look like that type of woman he mentioned, but believe me, your look was not the point there is nothing wrong with you just the way you are. he is just manipulating you to think he is better than you, and you are not worthy of him.

• Bad Temper/drug and alcohol abuse:

Most abusers are alcoholics or addicts, as they use it then it becomes and an excuse for their bad behavior ��I am sorry I had too much to drink�� ��I am sorry I was not myself��

These are prepared excuses, to do whatever they want, like physically hurting you, or verbally abusing you. Here they plant fear in you, and you might start believing that he is right I shouldn�t have provoked him he was already drunk, and this is all my fault, if just stayed quiet none of this would�ve happened, from this point, you will start blaming yourself for everything.

•  Fear/threats:

Whenever you do something that is not to his liking does not matter if it is good or bad, right or wrong even if you have permission or not (which is something you should always ask for, from the most simple ones to the biggest one), he will start threatening you, that you or even someone from your family if you ever do it again, you will still get the punishment, for example, he will hit you, twist your arm, then he will say he is sorry but he makes you see it as it is your fault for making him angry.

• Jealousy/Money :

Abusers are usually not confident people, they get the power from breaking you, if you talk to any other man than him, like a colleague, an old friend, he will become furiously jealous, and he will make every fight end up as your fault, that you have to apologize for it.

All The control of spending will be under his supervision sometimes they don�t make it look like it, simply he would say �� we will go together to buy that thing you needed, he will be the one paying for it.�� this way he will know where every penny goes to, but not in a way that you can ever ask him about his spending without ending up with a huge fight.

Furthermore, these are some of the signs that I know about,  the moment you take that first step and see your strength you will defiantly know how week and coward those abusers are, they only show that face in dark and when there is no one around when they see you defending your self and speaking up, and no longer scared of their threats they will be afraid of you, and deny everything bad they have done, or admit it was wrong, however in front of you they will promise they will change and promise you the world, but this will never last for more than two weeks, because they are not willing to give up the power they have over you, and it will take a long time to bring someone else to where you were before you left him, they can not think about anyone else but themselves. unfortunately, there are still many women stuck in that place where they think they are not worthy, it is their fault, I hope you know you are Worthy, it is not your fault, and finally, you are not alone.